Every crew gets new people. And sometimes, we get the ones that won’t go away — like that miserable chest cold that’s been hanging on for three weeks. Full of green mucus, chest-rattling coughs, and just enough misery to make you question your life choices. Some we laugh with. Some we’d love to yeet out the goddamn door like yesterday’s burrito.

Here’s a handful of the usual suspects — and the nicknames they’ve absolutely earned.

The Turtle

Thinks he’s wise like some jobsite Yoda, but his head’s packed full of conspiracies and half-baked “common sense.” Breaks everything he touchesm even zip ties and clipboards. Not slow because he’s old. Slow because his brain and body are on dial-up. Says things like “Back in my day…” while turning a 5-minute task into a 30-minute disaster. Basically your great-grandpa but with fewer skills and more opinions.

The Functional Stoner

High as a kite and somehow still one of the best workers on the floor. Dude’s got snacks in every drawer, a Zen-like chill that defuses chaos, and a work ethic that makes sober people look bad. Talks like a philosopher trapped in a dispensary. I like to mess with him by dropping mind-bending questions like, “What if the forklift is just driving us?” Bonus: he usually laughs mid-bite of something crunchy.

The Quiet Hard Worker

He doesn’t talk. He works. Then a team meeting hits and this man turns into a human nuke. Goes full “fuck this place” while everyone else stares in awe, because he’s saying everything we’ve been thinking. Best part of the day. Afterward, he goes right back to sanding parts or cranking out units like nothing happened. Absolute legend.

The Angry Unofficial Leader

Not in charge, but acts like it — and weirdly, no one stops him. Yells like a drill sergeant, organizes like a manager, bullshits like a politician. Harasses lower management for sport. Somehow knows everybody — from engineers to janitors — and calls them all by name. Half his answers are made up but delivered with so much confidence you just go, “Yeah, okay.”

The Overtimer

You wonder if they sleep. Eats overtime like candy. Not the fastest or loudest, but always there. You see them more than your own family. If they’re late? You call them, because you’re legit worried. Probably running on caffeine, grit, and a secret second mortgage.

The Speed Demon

Human blur. They show up, crush everything, and somehow still help you get caught up. You blink, and they’ve built three pallets, took a piss, and welded something you didn’t even know was broken. If they ask for help, you jump — because if they snap, you’ll see the demon side and pray to OSHA.

The Loud Jackass

Thinks they’re the main character. Loudest person on the floor, always stirring the pot. Works just enough to avoid getting fired. Controls the parts flow like it’s their kingdom: you get what they give and not a damn piece more. Fueled by energy drinks and vape clouds. Management can’t touch them. They’re like a cockroach in a lead vest.

The Newbie

They come in all flavors: eager, scared, clueless, cocky, or just plain broken. You give them a month before passing judgment. Some become solid. Others become legendary — for being so dumb they get remembered by last name. Most quit within a week. Some stick around and grow up. A rare few turn into actual badasses. But you never bet on it.

The Warm Body

You need ’em, but you wouldn’t trust them with a screwdriver unsupervised. Perfect for those boring, low-skill tasks you don’t want eating your real crew’s time. They’re the C+ of coworkers — passable, present, and maybe breathing. Don’t pair two of them together unless you want a cage match over who’s slightly less useless. One is a tool. Two is a tragedy.

Every crew has these types. If you don’t recognize them… congrats, you might be one of them.