So HR says performance reviews this year are based on performance and attitude.

Cool. Performance? Fine. I show up, I crank out numbers that make you clowns look good, and I do it while duct-taping broken machines together with the sheer power of rage. You’d think that’d be enough. But nope — now it’s about attitude too.

Attitude? You mean I’ve got to act nice while begging for screws that should’ve been here last week? I’m supposed to bow down like a medieval peasant: “Oh, gracious lords of management, may I please have the bare minimum required to do my job? I’ll kiss the ring while you ignore me for seven days straight.”

Then you’re gonna sit across the table in my review and tell me I need to “improve my communication style”? My communication style is the only reason this place is still running. If I didn’t yell, bitch, and threaten to shove a clipboard up someones ass, nothing would get done.

You want attitude? Here’s attitude:

• I didn’t throw a wrench at anyone this week. Gold star for me.
• I only swore at the machine 143 times instead of 200. That’s growth.
• I only told management to “fuck off” under my breath, not out loud. That’s restraint.

But no, apparently that’s not the “right” attitude. The “right” attitude is sucking up, nodding, and smiling while they hand you the reward: a raise so small you’d need a microscope to see it. “Congratulations, Kevin, we’re giving you five whole cents more an hour for your stellar work and improved positivity!” Gee, thanks. After taxes that’ll buy me half a gumball. I’ll treasure it forever.

And don’t think I don’t know how this game works. The guys who will “score high” on attitude are the same ones bringing donuts to the office and laughing way too hard at the boss’s jokes. Meanwhile, the ones actually doing the heavy lifting get told we’re “difficult.” Damn right I’m difficult. You try being nice after pulling another 12-hour shift with broken equipment because management was too busy having a PowerPoint party.

So here’s what I really want to say in my review:

• Stop grading me like I’m in kindergarten.
• Stop acting like I’m the problem when I’m the solution.
• Stop dangling pennies like it’s gold.
• And stop telling me to change my attitude when yours is the problem.

Until then, I’ll play the game. I’ll sit in that little chair across from you, nodding while you tell me how I can “grow as a team player.” But know this: behind my fake polite smile, I’m picturing myself flipping the table, drop kicking your laptop, and stapling my nickel raise to your forehead.

Fuck you! and your performance review!