Ah, quarterly meetings. That beautiful time every three months when the suits come down from Mount Spreadsheet to tell us peasants how great we’re doing –right before reminding us how much we suck.

They always start with the corporate circle jerk: charts, graphs, and enough buzzwords to cause a migraine. “We’re seeing tremendous growth!”—in what? Gaslighting?

Then the mood shifts. Suddenly, we’re ruining everything. We’re wasting too much material. Our “scrap rate” is apparently murdering the company from the inside out. Even though we’ve broken production records, we’re personally responsible for burning the factory to the ground with our incompetence. But smile, everyone—we’re “valued team members.”

Then comes the part that truly warms the heart: future projects! They try to hype us up like we’re getting a new ride at Disneyland, but in reality, it’s just more work, with tighter deadlines and no extra pay. But don’t worry—they’ll “support” us, which means they’ll drop a clipboard off and disappear until the next crisis.

And of course, The Suggestion Box -that plastic coffin where our hopes go to rot. “We read your feedback!” they say, with all the sincerity of a hostage video. They tell us FIVE—yes, five entire suggestions—were “implemented” from last quarter. Cue the drum roll… “You asked for it, and we delivered—MILK is now available in the break room!”

Holy shit, Brenda. Call off the job hunt—we got milk.

Next, they announce some tool we begged for a year ago has finally been “ordered,” like it was handcrafted by monks and blessed by the Pope. Maybe by next winter, we’ll have a new wrench that doesn’t break in half during use.

Now it’s HR’s turn to suck the life out of the room. They gently explain—like they’re reading a children’s book—that our healthcare is being downgraded and retirement matching is taking a “pause.” But, hey—free swag! Nothing eases the pain of financial insecurity like a tote bag with the company logo. Maybe I can pay my electric bill with this branded fidget spinner?

Then comes the grand finale: Q&A. This is where people grow just enough courage (or desperation) to ask about raises. And that’s when the deflection begins. It’s like talking to a magician who keeps pulling excuses out of a hat.

You ask about pay, and they start talking about “company culture.” You ask again, and suddenly it’s “a challenging economy.” You try a third time and they pretend the question was “What are our long-term strategic goals?” By the tenth version of the question, you realize you’d have better luck asking a Magic 8 Ball.

But don’t worry, folks. To thank us for our loyalty and confusion, we’re getting a company picnic! You know, the kind of event where you eat lukewarm burgers in a mosquito-ridden park while your manager asks if you’re “having fun yet.” Bring the family—it’s totally not a tax write-off!

Maybe next quarter they’ll really reward us—gold-plated chocolate milk and a coupon for one free day of dignity.